the thing I refuse to name

I want so badly to put this thing down
this longing
that is at once enticing, and abhorrent
it brings me nervous butterflies & tears as its offerings
and seemingly asks only for my fealty in return

this thing is tangible
this longing
palpable
a lump in my throat, that I cannot swallow
I'm choking on it
its flavor a rancid memory of a love I once knew
now sicked up, bitter

and me torn
between gratitude that I can still feel
and resentment that the thing manages to exist
manages to have this unearthly hold over me
part of me longs to stand naked in the rain
and wash it all away

and part of me wants to embrace it, fully
caress it like the soft down on the inside of a thigh
nuzzle it like the nape of a neck
blow sweet kisses, warm breath on it
breathe passion into it, likening it to an ember
without fear of becoming obsessed with its elusiveness
without thinking it will run away from me, or consume me

I watch it from a distance, this thing
running through the woods
running to be free
its only instinct, running to breathe, to live
to love
and I hold the long cold steel barrel loosely by my right side
and resist the urge
watching
and still want to put this thing down

© 2004 ~ Sagacious Media